Thursday, August 30, 2012

Its not always a cake walk.

I always look at all of your cute blogs about you, your husband, your families and think I want that. Or I wish we lived there, or had those, or could afford that. But then I realized, that most only put the good things on these blogs that we share with the world. How terrifying would it be to admit to the world that we have trouble within the walls of our homes. But today I am going to tell you something personal, for the whole world (as if the whole world knows about my blog) to read. I am not embarrassed of it, nor ashamed. I think that it would help everyone to connect more, on a different level if we shared the heartache and the bad as well as the good.

So here goes....

No marriage is perfect. No two people are perfect. But that doesn’t mean that you and your lover cant strive every day for perfection.

When I was working 70+ hours a day, and William was working full time we hardly saw each other. The only time we were home at the same time was at 10:30pm (or later) when I got off work until 7am (or earlier) when William had left for work. During those hours the only thing we did was sleep. We had communication throughout the day; we would text, and occasionally call each other. It was a hard time in our marriage. We got to the point where we were roommates more than we were husband and wife. We started to drift apart. We fought constantly, we didn’t eat together, and on Sunday the only day we both had off all we did was sleep. We had to and wanted to find our way back to the way we were before. And we did.

We started to go to a marriage counselor to get help. I am so not ashamed to tell anyone that we went to a marriage counselor. Sometimes when you say that you get the look like “oh so you’re getting divorced?” and those judging eyes. I use to feel ashamed about it, and felt like it was something that I needed to hide from my friends, and family. But it helped us in such a way, that I can only imagine where our lives would be right now if we hadn’t gotten the courage to call that counselor. He was a life saver. He helped us in saving our marriage.

One of our biggest fights is that I always felt like William had to have the last say (and I know I like to have the last say:) ). That he would brush off my opinions and that it didn’t matter what I felt. After counseling I came to find out that we just had a communication problem. It wasn’t William brushing me off; it was me having the feeling of him brushing me off.

While we learned so much in the time we spent with the counselor the one thing that I love most was the way we communicate when we are fighting. Normally I shut down, I don’t want to talk and I just sit and shake my head. William gets upset, which he should with the way I shut down. So he had us do this exercise that helps to calm you down as well as get the point across without the yelling. You may have heard of it, and you may not have. It is the When you (do or say this), I feel (like this) and I wish or need (you to do or say this).

Example: When you don’t take out the trash when I ask, I feel like you don’t respect me, and I need you to take out the trash when I ask to feel that respect.

For a while we kind of made fun of the exercise. We would laugh and joke about different things. But as we started to have our real fights we would use this and it would help a lot. It helped so that we weren’t talking over each other, and so the other party in the fight would get their turn in expressing their feelings.

While we haven’t fought in a long while (I know it’s because of the counseling) we do have our tiffs every now and then. But they are nowhere near what they use to be, and for that I am thankful.

I am a hairstylist and through that you hear everything about people lives. Ladies love to come get their hair done, and the second thing ladies love most is gossiping to their hairstylist. Needless to say, we hear a lot. There have been times when they will tell me how they cheated on their husbands, or vice versa. Sometimes you don't want to hear half of the stuff they tell you for the fact that you don't want it on your shoulders. But with the gossip comes things that actually help you. I have done quite a few marriage counselors hair and I tell them our story and how thankful I am for the work that they do. They always tell me how there are people with a perfect marriage that will come and get counseling just to try and better their marriage more. So I honestly don't think its something anyone should be ashamed about. It can only make things better.

What exercises do you use when you and your lover fight?

Over & Out.

XOXO, Tere

11 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing!! Sometimes reading other people's blogs suck so I loved this real post! I think I should do one! :)

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  2. I'm glad you posted this. I've been having an inner debate lately of sharing some personal things on my blog. You've inspired me. And P.S. we went to counseling too and it was the very best thing either one of us as individuals and a couple we have ever, ever done. I recommend it to anyone. Marriage, life, children, love are all wonderful things, but they can be hard too. Learning effective ways to communicate with your mate help to allow you to fully appreciate all those good things. At least, that's what I think. ;) Thanks for the inspiration!

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    1. No problem. I think that the best blogs are the ones that are real! You should post personal things, but only if you feel comfortable doing so.

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  3. It is not always a cake walk, you are right and I'm so happy you shared your story. It is a big step, to decide to see a marriage counselor. It takes both husband and wife to commit to something like that, listen to the advice, and try to put it to practice. Many times only one person wants to go and the other is "dragged" into it and that's probably where things really go sour, when both are not committed to making the best marriage possible.
    You both obviously are very in love and committed, but were just lost on how to make that happen with your crazy schedules. I remember the early years of my marriage as kind of a roller coaster of emotions. We were two different people trying to change and trying not to change for one another. We were figuring out our roles and adjusting to sharing and compromising. Sometimes it was a struggle. I think after 13 years now, we have learned not to push buttons {although it still happens from time to time}. And I definitely still roll my eyes. :)
    Anyway, you are not alone. We all have our crap and it's good to talk about it.

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    1. Yes! The first few years are so hard. Thanks for your comment.

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  4. We went to a marriage counselor too, and it's amazing the insight you can get in even one session. I loved it and plan on going back the second we get back to the US!

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    1. After the first session our minds were blown by how much just the one session helped. Good luck with round two!

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  5. Hey thanks for this blog, thought it was great and didn't make me think at all differently about you guys, in fact I think I admire you a lot more for it. I am going to blog about this too, sorry it has taken me so long.

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    1. I can't wait to read it when you do. It's nice to know we're not the only ones!

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  6. Honesty is so hot right now...haha jk, but seriously. I love when people share their REAL lives, instead of just making their life look peachy all the time. Those blogs just make me feel inadequate, and like everyone else's lives are perfect. So, thank you for sharing:)

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I love comments, they make me feel like someone is there:)