So here goes....
No marriage is perfect. No two people are perfect. But that doesn’t mean that you and your lover cant strive every day for perfection.
When I was working 70+ hours a day, and William was working full time we hardly saw each other. The only time we were home at the same time was at 10:30pm (or later) when I got off work until 7am (or earlier) when William had left for work. During those hours the only thing we did was sleep. We had communication throughout the day; we would text, and occasionally call each other. It was a hard time in our marriage. We got to the point where we were roommates more than we were husband and wife. We started to drift apart. We fought constantly, we didn’t eat together, and on Sunday the only day we both had off all we did was sleep. We had to and wanted to find our way back to the way we were before. And we did.
We started to go to a marriage counselor to get help. I am so not ashamed to tell anyone that we went to a marriage counselor. Sometimes when you say that you get the look like “oh so you’re getting divorced?” and those judging eyes. I use to feel ashamed about it, and felt like it was something that I needed to hide from my friends, and family. But it helped us in such a way, that I can only imagine where our lives would be right now if we hadn’t gotten the courage to call that counselor. He was a life saver. He helped us in saving our marriage.
One of our biggest fights is that I always felt like William had to have the last say (and I know I like to have the last say:) ). That he would brush off my opinions and that it didn’t matter what I felt. After counseling I came to find out that we just had a communication problem. It wasn’t William brushing me off; it was me having the feeling of him brushing me off.
While we learned so much in the time we spent with the counselor the one thing that I love most was the way we communicate when we are fighting. Normally I shut down, I don’t want to talk and I just sit and shake my head. William gets upset, which he should with the way I shut down. So he had us do this exercise that helps to calm you down as well as get the point across without the yelling. You may have heard of it, and you may not have. It is the When you (do or say this), I feel (like this) and I wish or need (you to do or say this).
Example: When you don’t take out the trash when I ask, I feel like you don’t respect me, and I need you to take out the trash when I ask to feel that respect.
For a while we kind of made fun of the exercise. We would laugh and joke about different things. But as we started to have our real fights we would use this and it would help a lot. It helped so that we weren’t talking over each other, and so the other party in the fight would get their turn in expressing their feelings.
While we haven’t fought in a long while (I know it’s because of the counseling) we do have our tiffs every now and then. But they are nowhere near what they use to be, and for that I am thankful.
I am a hairstylist and through that you hear everything about people lives. Ladies love to come get their hair done, and the second thing ladies love most is gossiping to their hairstylist. Needless to say, we hear a lot. There have been times when they will tell me how they cheated on their husbands, or vice versa. Sometimes you don't want to hear half of the stuff they tell you for the fact that you don't want it on your shoulders. But with the gossip comes things that actually help you. I have done quite a few marriage counselors hair and I tell them our story and how thankful I am for the work that they do. They always tell me how there are people with a perfect marriage that will come and get counseling just to try and better their marriage more. So I honestly don't think its something anyone should be ashamed about. It can only make things better.
What exercises do you use when you and your lover fight?
Over & Out.